Dealing with Narcissistic Family Members at the Holidays and Beyond

As Christians, we frequently overlook the variations between therapeutic and reconciliation, particularly when coping with a narcissistic member of the family. This presents a selected drawback throughout the fall and winter vacation seasons—significantly Thanksgiving and Christmas when households get collectively.

Narcissists—particularly clinical narcissists recognized with Narcissistic Character Dysfunction (NPD)—usually thrive off exploiting weaknesses. Sure, they want our prayers. However they might additionally use our distance, so they can not have extra gas for his or her fireplace.

In right this moment’s article, we’ll discover what the Bible says about narcissism, what it’s precisely (what to search for), and the best way to take care of it throughout the household unit.

What Are the Indicators of Narcissism?

The time period “narcissist” sadly will get overused today. We are likely to attribute the time period to anybody who occurs to deal with us unfairly or acts selfishly.

We do have to contemplate the distinction between narcissistic tendencies and clinically recognized NPD.

We might take care of a member of the family who reveals tendencies however not the medical model of narcissism.

And as many people will not be clinicians, we can not correctly diagnose a member of the family. This could make this a more durable job, as many individuals with NPD usually refuse to get recognized—and I say this after consulting a member of the family who’s a counselor. She usually says that the narcissist’s victims will go to remedy, not the perpetrators.

Along with suggesting you learn Chuck DeGroat’s glorious guide When Narcissism Comes to Church; listed below are some psychological indicators somebody might lean towards NPD (or at the very least present NPD tendencies).

A Narcissist Must Be the Heart of Consideration

These with NPD are likely to have a really excessive view of themselves. They could usually see themselves because the “most important character” within the narrative and everybody else as supporting roles.

They usually see their achievements as grand and anticipate issues to be handed to them—even when they didn’t earn mentioned privileges. They need others to see themselves in the identical manner they understand themselves. And should you don’t, hoo-boy, they’ll make sure you face the implications.

Of their minds, they’ll do no fallacious. In a scenario the place they had been at fault, they’ll have one million excuses for why they had been proper, and also you had been the one guilty. They have an inclination to have simply bruised egos, usually rooted in childhood trauma. They’ve a really exhausting time getting rejected.

And they’re going to usually flip fiery should you criticize them.

A Narcissist Exploits Weaknesses

They are going to analyze you and know what makes you tick. They’ve their ammo loaded with all of your previous errors, all of the belongings you really feel insecure about—and the second you criticize them, they’ll flip the dialog onto you.

Along with a excessive view of themselves, these with NPD are likely to have a really set thought of who they’re. If you’re somebody they romantically love, they’ll inflate their thought of you of their minds.

In case you don’t meet their expectations, they’ll react. They are going to attempt to steer you again to the picture that they had of you, and this usually occurs by means of placing you down or highlighting your flaws.

Generally, these with NPD don’t even understand they do that, however usually, they’re grasp manipulators.

A Narcissist Shows a Lack of Empathy

These with NPD are likely to lack empathy. They can not place themselves into the footwear of others, and once they have wounded somebody, they won’t really feel guilt for doing so.

This proves particularly tough as a result of these with NPD are likely to latch onto individuals with nice empathy. Folks with compassionate, servant-led hearts. As a result of within the thoughts of somebody with NPD, this particular person is straightforward to govern, drain, make the most of, and criticize once they’ve diminished this particular person to a husk of their former self.

We may go on in regards to the signs of NPD. Total books have coated the topic. However for the sake of time, let’s discover the subsequent query. Does the Bible have something to say about this?

What Does the Bible Say about Narcissism?

NPD is a psychological situation, with the time period developed by trendy psychological well being consultants. Consequently, individuals didn’t have this specific phrase for the conduct in biblical instances.

We may definitely level out a number of individuals within the Bible who lacked empathy, had a way of excessive significance, and exploited others for his or her acquire. Nonetheless, we don’t have any verses that say, “King Ahab clearly had diagnosable NPD.”

So, does the Bible have any verses about narcissistic conduct that we will look to?

In reality, loads of Scriptures discuss in regards to the signs listed above.

-We see loads of verses about conceited individuals (Proverbs 8:13).

-About how God hates when individuals exploit others for acquire (Proverbs 22:16).

-About how God hates pride (Proverbs 16:5).

-About how those that hate correction fall into folly (Proverbs 12:1).

The Bible clarifies that Christians shouldn’t cling round somebody with these traits for prolonged durations. In any case, dangerous firm corrupts good character. So, how can we deal with the scenario when a member of the family has NPD?

In any case, we will’t all the time extricate ourselves utterly from the scenario—particularly if we stay with or are married to them.

So, how can we biblically take care of narcissistic members of the family?

How Do You Cope with Narcissistic Household Members?

This can differ primarily based on the character of your relationship. In case you see this member of the family every year throughout the holidays, you’ll have a distinct manner of tackling the problem than should you stay with that member of the family.

1: Pray for Them

To get private, I do have some members of the family who I’d say fall beneath the class of diagnosable NPD. I’ll depart it at that as a result of I concern one will discover this text and use it as ammo in opposition to me.

In case you see a member of the family displaying traits like this, pray for his or her coronary heart and thoughts. I’ve seen a world of distinction in a single once I handed this member of the family over to God and set some agency boundaries. Talking of…

2: Set Agency Boundaries

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Narcissists hate boundaries. Boundaries power them to be able the place they can not make the most of you or exploit you. So it should take a while to make this work. It’s possible you’ll want others’ assist—for instance, if you already know the narcissistic member of the family likes to use you at vacation conferences, discuss together with your partner or a member of the family you belief about good methods.

Be ready for the member of the family to mow down any boundaries you’ve arrange and repeatedly cross strains when you’ve let your guard down. They could throw a tantrum in regards to the boundaries you identify however don’t be deterred. Protect your psychological well being in addition to your religious well being.

Associated: 5 Boundaries to Put in Place Before Holiday Gatherings

3: Search Skilled Assist

You’ll have a really exhausting time getting a narcissistic member of the family into remedy. Even when they don’t assume you need to diagnose them with NPD, they’ll hate the thought of {couples} remedy or household remedy.

On the very least, head to a therapist on your personal wants. They offers you the instruments to ascertain these boundaries and provide help to understand that “no, you aren’t loopy.”

Narcissists like to gaslight and make you query actuality till you bow all the way down to their needs and wishes.

4: Restrict Time When Potential

In case you’ve married a narcissist, you can’t do that.

However when you’ve got a member of the family you see perhaps as soon as every week or much less, restrict your time. For instance, chances are you’ll select solely to see them throughout the holidays.

Relying on your loved ones scenario, you could possibly discuss with different members of the family in regards to the narcissistic conduct and restrict the member of the family from attending vacation capabilities. Since household vacation time is valuable, establishing this boundary is hard. Continuously, you possibly can solely hold the narcissistic household out of household capabilities if:

-You’re the one internet hosting (and due to this fact have management over who enters your home)

-Different members of the family have seen the tantrums or controlling conduct

-You discover a clear solution to talk that boundaries matter for the entire household (narcissistic members of the family hurt the entire household system)

-Different members of the family see you as a reliable particular person (somebody who wouldn’t name a member of the family narcissistic for egocentric causes)

In case you have no means to maintain the narcissistic member of the family from attending a household operate, you’ve different choices. For instance, chances are you’ll determine to not attend common household capabilities that the narcissistic member of the family hosts. It’s possible you’ll determine you received’t attend household vacation occasions if the household meets on the narcissistic member of the family’s home.

When it’s a must to see the narcissistic member of the family—on the holidays or different household occasions—restrict the ammo you give them.

Thoughts the phrases you feed them and the data they search from you.

A narcissist tends to cling to 1 particular person. Somebody that they use, and once they don’t have any extra use for them, they search to wound them. Extricate your self as a lot as potential from the scenario so that they don’t have any extra ammo to steal from you.

I do know this usually appears simpler mentioned than accomplished. Whenever you hang around with this member of the family, carry one other member of the family with you. So you’ve somebody to floor you in actuality and defend you once they assault you.

I deeply know the difficulties of dealing with a narcissist, and I pray for you as you deal with this.

Particularly since individuals with NDP are hardly ever repentant, relationships usually don’t expertise true therapeutic. It’s possible you’ll forgive them (letting go of the anger) however by no means reconcile (utterly trusting) with them.

Pray for his or her hearts that they could expertise life-changing transformation by means of Jesus, and thoughts your coronary heart and head. Your well being issues.

Hope Bolinger is an acquisitions editor at Finish Recreation Press, guide editor for rent, and the writer of virtually 30 books. Greater than 1500 of her works have been featured in numerous publications. Try her books at hopebolinger.com for clear books in most genres, nice for adults and youngsters. Try her enhancing profile at Reedsy.com to search out out about hiring her on your subsequent guide undertaking.

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